WrestleMania 25: What I Want
I won’t be watching WrestleMania this year: I’ll be on a mini-vacation that weekend, the place I’m staying at doesn’t have cable TV, and I just can’t be damned, based on how awful the build has been and how uninteresting many of the matches are.
So, these aren’t my predictions. This aren’t what I think WWE should do, but these are what they hope they would do, in an ideal beautiful world made just for me:
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
The Undertaker wins, keeping his streak alive, after another in his series of great WrestleMania matches. Rematch at Backlash in the cell.
CM Punk vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Christian vs. Finlay – Money in the Bank ladder match
MVP refuses to do that high-flying shit, and after everyone else has killed themselves to be a three second highlight in next year’s MitB pimping video, MVP outwrestles CM Punk and wins the match.
Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton — WWE Championship
Orton takes the title after Stephanie’s interference backfires … or does it?
Edge (c) vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena –Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Cena hoists Big Show up for the ex-FU, Edge spears Cena, Big Show falls on them both, Cena is pinned and Big Show and Edge go on to fight for the title at Backlash, without Cena’s greeting cards as a backdrop.
25-Diva battle royal
Molly Holly debuts her new finishing move, known only as “kick shitty wrestlers right in the box.” She uses it 24 times in this match en route to victory, and then retires again to not sully herself with an association to the terrible diva’s division.
She still doesn’t return Wade’s calls.
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy Extreme Rules match
I was actually enjoying Jeff getting a push up the card, but this feud with Matt has ruined it. I want Jeff to win so Matt can cry on his blog about not only turning on his brother and losing his family, but still being a loser.
The Colóns (Carlito and Primo) vs. John Morrison and The Miz Lumberjack match to unify the WWE Tag Team Championship and World Tag Team Championship
Miz and Morrison win, and then we get plenty of dirt sheet episodes that involve the Bella twins. Or, at the very least, we get tag team champions that travel all the brands and don’t suck while doing it.
John “Bradshaw” Layfield (c) vs. Rey Mysterio Singles match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
JBL uses the Clothesline from Hell to remove Mysterio’s head from his shoulders, Mysterio goes away for a long time and returns as a heel with a Venom-style bodysuit, and JBL goes back to commentary.
Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat and Jimmy Snuka (with Ric Flair) – Elimination Match
Snuka and Piper get into an argument early and brawl to the back, leaving Steamboat and Jericho to have a good 8 minute match, with Jericho on the verge of winning before Flair gets involved, knocking Jericho out and giving Steamboat the pin.